Its Wednesday, which means its time to air some of our biggest grievances in a brand new edition of .
This week, were talking .
My wife and I recently hit up a buffet, and while it was good, it just reminded me of why Im not big on buffets.
They’re still better than potlucks, though. I hate those.
This was a German buffet, which meant there was an abundance of various wursts and schnitzels, and if you felt so inclined, you could sit there and shovel spätzle into your dumb face until you auf den boden kotzen.
It was a good time, and I liked the German band that was playing (no Rammstein or Kraftwerk covers, though; bummer), but it reminded me of the many problems I have with buffets in general.
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So, seeing as I do a column dedicated to complaints, I figured this was the perfect place to get it all out.
Anytime I end up at a buffet, I always sit there wondering whether or not its a good deal. You usually end up paying a premium for the right to go on a culinary excursion using spoons and tongs that every other sicko in the restaurant touched, but you can only eat as much as you can eat.
Personally, I wouldnt want to pay to feel like complete and utter s—, so half the time I feel like I leave buffets thinking, “I probably couldve just gotten a sandwich for like half the price and been fine.”
Now, part of what I do enjoy about buffets is that it gives you carte blanche to test drive some grub you would never order under any circumstances.
Sometimes you find a diamond in the proverbial buffet rough, but more often than not, youre paying for the privilege of trying something and being like, “yeah, thats alright,” and then never eating it again for the rest of your life.
I think my biggest beef with buffets is that they do not present most foods under ideal conditions, because very few items, if any, are at their pinnacle of deliciousness when sitting out under a lightbulb for an extended period of time.
Sure, some things can handle this. Macaroni and cheese can usually survive under these circumstances, but a lot of meats end up getting dried out because they sit there for half the day drinking in heat and oxygen.
Theres a reason food tastes best straight off the grill or straight out of the oven.
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In fact, I normally steer clear of fish at buffets, and went in for salmon (which was actually great) because I saw the fraulein behind the bar put out a brand new filet with my own two eyes.
Its sometimes worth hovering like a creep waiting for one tray to get kicked and then swoop in for the fresh stuff.
I know in a sit-down restaurant the food is still usually going to hang out in the back under a heat lamp for a little bit too, but not nearly for as long, and without other lunatics digging it apart with spoons and tongs and spatulas.
This is why if ever theres a meal during which Im most likely to hit a buffet for, its breakfast.
I think that its without question the meal best suited to hanging out in chafing dishes while digging through it.
Lots of breakfast fare is easy to scoop or can be snagged with a quick, accurate set of tongs, and it has a more robust shelf life than its lunch and dinner counterparts.
One thing that, for some reason, we cant all get on the same page on is buffet etiquette.
Obviously, there has to be some level of decorum, lest the buffet break out into a Three Stooges-esque food fight.
I think the
